It’s been a long while since I had to fake it big time, like I did this evening.
I had a very good friend of mine that I’ve lost contact with for a couple of years. The reasons were silly and I must admit that I kind of got upset for no big deal. Some days ago I’ve decided to say hi and that I’m sorry for ending our friendship in that abrupt way and he has been more than welcoming and loving towards me. So tonight I went out for dinner with him, his partner and a friend of theirs. It was all fun and games and we were enjoying a good time until drinks got involved and topics of the conversations changed.
I hope I did a good act tonight looking like I care about the latest type of Rover, about jobs at big corporations, about how much money we all earn, about hormonal treatment used to grow your child’s penis (what the #*$@??!!), about new types of stakes and fine recipes, career goals, the “ugly girl” sitting next to us, the “waiter that looks like he has some mental problems” and so on. I swear, I’m totally exhausted right now and the only thing I need is to cry the night out and sleep.
I find it sad that although liking some people and wanting to get to know them better is painful. It breaks my souls into tiny pieces being part of that, listening to conversations that have no relevant meaning to me, looking at people being so preoccupied with superficial things that they forget to live. Thank God this time no one asked me why I’m being so quiet because my answer might have been very honest.
My face is in actual pain after faking a smile for about 3 hours. I was there, my body was sitting down with them and listening to whatever they had to say but my inner self was far, far away. I was deep in my thoughts wondering how come we’ve got to this stage as souls, as humans, as societies, as a planet, wondering what could be done for some people so that they would acknowledge the existence of things way more beautiful than cars and money? Are they happy? How could I help these people know who they are? How could I share my happiness and love with them when they are so preoccupied about other things? Just sitting here and smiling is enough to spread any light while I’m feeling so not like myself? Is this how my life is going to be from now on, will I always struggle to find the right people to connect with? I’ve had these questions for a long time now and I think it’s time to make a conscious choice. It’s time to make space for the souls that I can have a connection with, it’s time to say “no” when I’m invited to a place that I would rather not go to, it’s time to let go and understand that things are changing constantly. It’s time again to say “I love you but it’s better to back off now”. I can’t be stuck in the same loop and also wanting to grow. Some things just don’t go together as expected. It breaks my heart leaving behind people that I care about but when our energy is saying “no” it’s best for us to stay apart.
In that note I want to welcome the new souls in my life (again). The door is open, don’t bother knocking. Just come in and let’s have meaningful and long conversations, let’s even stare at each other without talking but still communicating. You know, that type of stuff. Oh, and bring some chocolate ice cream (extra topping too)!
Feel loved and spread love! ❤
PS: got a weekend full at the “Body-Mind-Spirit Expo” that is taking place in Bucharest these days. I’m sure I’ll have better luck there.