That night is when I’ve realized what was killing me from inside out, like cancer. The realization was striking me and I couldn’t belive what it made out of me. I am talking about society, one topic that I’ve mentioned before on my blog. This time though I will detail about why I feel like this. It’s another story time, about my life.
I come from an academically oriented family that have put lots of effort into my education and upbringing. As a kid I’ve been taken to all the sports classes possible but I didn’t enjoy any. Shame I was too little to say “Mommy, I’m into art…you know…the complete opposite”. Things started to bring me sadness when I ve started hearing “You only need to have good grades and then you will get this and that.” Blackmail if you ask me and since I’ve turned 7 I’ve started wondering about this condition that was being given to me. How was a lower grade making me less worthy of love? How can a low grade mean that I am stupid or a bad person? I used to go to a posh school full of kids that came from rich families that have imprinted the material concept on them. They would befriend you if you had the latest gadgets and teachers would show you more affection if you had the best grades. My soul back then thaught: “I’m having enough of this, I don’t need good grades at everything, I like some of the classes but not being able to learn chemistry and math doesn’t make me a smaller person.” Years have passed and hate against the system was growing inside of me, I was being disappointed each day with how the human world works and I knew this is not the proper way. My soul was barely present and combined with the hormones of puberty it turned out bad. I’ve managed to rebel against every rule I had to obey and declare anarchy to the life that I was living.
More years have passed and thank God puberty didn’t last forever so I had to be back in school. My family gave up on the conditions of having the best grades at all classes, of attending all the sport classes out there and being part of the national team of math. I was a bit happier but still couldn’t adapt. By now I was in high school and started noticing other aspects. I was becoming more of an adult and other things started bothering me. Teacher used to have favorite kids again, used to compare us and say things like “Why can’t you all be like…he is the best student”. Really? “Because we are not clones, doh” This was the time when I’ve started understanding that society wanted clones or robots so I’ve started talking back to the teachers or anyone that was trying to turn us into what we were not. Obviously, more and more people started disliking me for my loud and strong opinions. We were spending so many years studying so many things and I didn’t know any kid that would love all the classes. Each of us had favorite ones. In my ideal world school would be about a proper development of each child, about finding his needs and what he likes and working with that. But of course, that was not the case.
More years have passed and with a lot of struggle from my side I’ve finished high-school. I’ve never really struggled with grades like my parents thought (when I was studying I even won national competitions on different classes) but I just couldn’t be bothered to invest my time, effort and memory into something that wasn’t helping me grow.
Then it was time to pick a college, by then I was already exhausted and feeling like I need a 10 years break after the 12 ones of school that I just finished. But no, that was not the plan of the family. So I gave in and went for whatever was close to home to be honest. I’ve studied Communication and PR and the only bits that I liked were the ones related to journalism. Now I see why, writing it’s a blessing to my soul. I remember having an assignment for college and the teacher chose my project and published it in the national newspaper. It might have been the first time I was feeling proud (I was around 23 years old-sad, right?).
After 3 years of college we were supposed to take the final exam so that we can get the degree and finish the torture. And surprise, before the exams, the teachers told us that the college had no accreditation since we were the first generation. “But not to worry, pay for the exam now, study, take it with the best grades and we will get the accreditation in a few years.” They couldn’t get it without our best grades because it needed a high percentage of graduates. “Why didnt you tell us before applying? You know that we wouldn’t have applied, right,”. My question never got answered, just got piercing and authoritarian look. What could they have said “We just wanted your money, and you gave it to us already”? So this time I’ve really said “F.c. this sh.t ” (excuse me, there was some big ego back then) and I gave up on it and didn’t care about graduating.
This is just one short example of my struggles adapting to the human world. Besides my problems in the educational system I have always found it difficult to adapt in places with yerarhies.
How can my soul adapt when I feel that we are all equal? Why do I need to do certain things and act like a little slave just because the person in front of me feels superior? Don’t get me wrong, I have respect for all alive creatures, but I spread it equally. I can’t comprehend how I am supposed to act in a specific manner in front of a particular person or a place.
I will not bribe you, even worse, I will write a complaint if you ask for bribe, I will not sweet talk you to get what I want, I will not carry your bag because you are my teacher, I will not love you because you have the latest gadgets, I will not love brcause you drive the fastest car and dive in money instead of water, I will not care if your roots haven’t been colored for ages. I will not kill my soul to please you nor society.
I will not adapt to any system that teaches hate and violence, that discriminates and bullies, that is telling us to kill for fun, that is taking from the poor to give to the rich.
I have been and will keep being a rebel that doesn’t care about standards. Yes, I will go under the knife of a surgeon that looks like a tattooed biker with a mowhak, I will love my mother the same way if she decided to have a style makeunder tomorrow, I will go out with you looking like you are homeless without caring, I will sit down anywhere I like if I feel the need to without worrying that it’s not appropriate, I will laugh loud if I feel the need to, I will admire someone’s bravery for having their own style and most of all, I will always love humble people. I love the people that see the equality in our souls and I will only try to have that type of people around me.
Because I am a free soul!
Feel loved and spread love! ❤